I (22m) have recently broken up with my ex (21f) of 4 years earlier this month.
For context, I’ve recently gotten into poker and started playing more often since the start of this year (about 1-2 times a month since February). Since then, she’s told me that she doesn’t like me gambling due to her past experiences (which I shall not disclose )but I’ve always reassured her that it was only recreational for me as I view it as a strategical game. My ex had also gotten into drinking more often, due to the fact that her assignments are tough as hell and she needed a way to destress, and she has a naturally high alcohol tolerance and likes the warm feeling of alcohol when drinking.
Her last straw finally broke when I decided to borrow money from my friend as I got stacked with AA when villain had a runner runner 1 card straight. We were on a short 3 day 2 night vacation and I decided to go to the casino to earn back the trip expenses as I was confident in my skills. As the previous time I went to a casino (my first time ever) I earned quite a bit of cash games playing tight and nitty.
My friend was willing to lend me the money only if I gave him 25% of the profit from his base (2 min. buy-ins), which excludes earning back my initial buy in(1 min. buy-in). Which at that point of time I thought it was fair, since the condition was that if I had gotten stacked again I would’ve only needed to return 85% of his base. Which gave him some risk in the borrowing. However my ex (then gf) had also lent me money (1 min. buy-in) to continue and had asked me to return my friend the money and to not borrow from him. If I remember correctly I had already withdrawn the cash and was waiting for a seat to open. I decided to ignore her and she said “I don’t want to deal with you anymore”.
After an hour or so of walking I continued to play and managed to make earn back my initial buy in and make some profit. Only then did I decide to cash out and meet my ex and my friend (who I borrowed the money from) and his partner.
When I saw her I knew she was angry but didn’t know how to start the conversation, so I kept looking away from her and didn’t initiate to hold her hand. When we were waiting for the cab, she then told me she wanted to breakup. I asked why, and she said me borrowing money sealed the deal. As to her, it was just fuelling my gambling addiction. I then explained that I had money elsewhere, and that I just didn’t have enough spare cash in my bank to continue playing after my initial buy in got stacked. But she insisted that borrowing is borrowing. Even if I have the funds from elsewhere to pay it off.
After we were back from our vacation, I didn’t really know what to say to her or how to react to the breakup. Few days later, I had sent her to the airport as she was going on another trip with her friends. While she was overseas, a close friend of mine called me, saying he heard the news of our breakup, as me and my ex introduced them to one another and that had been a couple for a year since. I explained to him the details and he also agreed that borrowing is still borrowing. Even if I was capable of returning the money.
Once she was back from the trip (a week later from when she said she wanted to break up), I picked her up, and had a talk with her, hoping that me acknowledging my mistake and owning up to them would change her mind about the breakup, and that we could get back together. But her mind was set and her decision was firm. And that nothing could change the outcome. I brought up the fact that I was willing to change, and that in the past smaller problems had risen before but I had managed to mend my wrongs, but this time was different, and that it was a dealbreaker for her. She had not directly told me to borrow money, but in the past she did open up about her family, but I hadn’t managed to internalise the information given.
She told me she thought I was the one, and that she was thinking of settling down with me in the future, and I thought so too, because we were literally inseparable. Almost everyday regardless of how busy I was I would always find a time to meetup with her and spend time with her. Be it just having a meal together, or if she didn’t feel like going out, I would just sleep on the floor right next to her bed, and that was enough to make me the happiest guy alive.
It was tough and painful getting by the first week. All I did at night was cry and cry. Regretting my decision of borrowing. And that it was due to my greed of money and wanting to earn it back that I lost my partner of 4 years. I had lots of trouble sleeping at night, but alcohol made everything so much easier. One day I randomly asked to have a drink with my friends. But only one of them knows about it, while the other 2 don’t. It had been a while since I had gotten so drunk. Part of me wanted to open up about what had happened, but I was to scared of crying in front of them, despite me knowing them for 7+ years. The next day I had asked to drink again but they said no and that a video call would suffice. Eventually I opened up about everything during the call and let out all my emotions that I’ve been bottling up the past few days. Which made me feel slightly better afterwards.
Fast forward a few days later my ex went drinking with a guy she met a week ago off online selling Pokemon packs (he streams online and sells the Pokemon packs for a company). I told her that he may not have good intentions as they literally met a week ago. And that to me no guy would go out drinking with a girl he just met a week ago at a bar/club. (Just my opinion correct me if I’m wrong). After their drinks my ex calls me to pick her up and so I rushed over to pick her up but ended up sending the guy back home too. I felt that that was the least I could do since he did technically take care of her.
After sending the guy back home and then sending my ex home, I decided to wash her up as she was still drunk and was not able to handle stuff on her own. Washed her clothes since there was some puke on it. And was about to head home when she asked me to stay over, which I obliged to. (I guess who wouldn’t say no if their ex asked them to sleepover after breaking up just under a month ago)
The next day I asked what we were, and she says she doesn’t wish to get back together, but she wants to see how I do in university for a few months before she finally makes a decision. She is afraid that once I get into uni and that if a common topic such as poker were to arise, I would need to use the common topic to share a common interest as it would be beneficial to build bridges and connections in Uni before stepping into the workforce after I graduate. And that it would help me build relations and make friends in Uni.
Since the day she came back from her vacation with her friends and we had the talk I hadn’t played poker since. Even when the friend that lent me the money had asked me to join.
At this moment while typing all this I just feel empty. I don’t know what to do. I still hate myself for what I did and deeply regret it and want to be with her so badly. I feel like I’ve already let out most of my emotions during the first week, but now I’m just lost in life. Any advice?
I understand. Your feelings are what they are and the only way to get through anything, is to go fully through it. It has to feel like shit sometimes before you start feeling better.
That being said…
This dynamic you’re describing is not the answer for your life. She sounds way too controlling, and that would only get worse with more time you spend together. I understand if she has a past or a trauma or whatever for why she feels the need to control, but if you can’t master yourself, you can’t have healthy relationships or even healthy expectations of any type of relationships. People need to deal with their problems, not expect others to “just not trigger” them.
Plus the “go to uni for a few months and then I’ll make my decision” thing after she said she isn’t interested in reconciling, is another manipulative tactic. She is keeping you on the line because she knows you are very attached to her and will take whatever scraps you can get.
All these scenarios and things she’s said, and wanting to end things etc….those are all just excuses. Reasons to tell you you were the “straw” the broke the back when she is being wishy washy. She already didn’t want to be together, these crazy reasons are (surprisingly) the “gentle” way to reject you.
Idk your age but you sound young in experience. The fact that you say you hate yourself for “what you did” even though from your telling of it (if you are being truthful), doesnt sound like you did anything wrong objectively. Subjectively to her of course you committed a capital crime, but that’s the opinion of someone that was just waiting for an out. Also the fact that you said you feel lost in life.
I get it. When someone is a part of lives for a long time and it changes, no matter what the change is, it hurts, but absence from our life is especially painful.
Depending on how much you tend to attach to people or ideas in life, it could take a long time to be over this, or you could surprise yourself and be over it asap. Who knows.
But…in my experience the only way to get better is to stop neglecting yourself. My whole life I struggled with attachment so I get it is hard af to learn healthy detachment even with the people we most love.
Let those emotions out as long as they need to be expressed. One day when you are over all this, and maybe even with new people, you’ll look back and probably even laugh at how serious this all felt in the moment. It doesn’t mean it was any less meaningful or important to you, it just means we humans have a way of getting past things for our own survival. All our mind wants to do is protect us from death, even if that death is simply our own evolution into a new version of ourselves. Comfy is cozy. Risk-taking sounds crazy to a mind built simply to survive life or death.
Also, this made me think how I always hated the phrase “this is my better half” or “my partner completes me”.
You shouldn’t be two parts made into a one rickety unit. Both parties should be totally whole on their own. So that any union or partnership is that much stronger.
I’d say best thing for the moment is to spend some time alone, truly introspecting and seeing how you can nurture the parts of you that are attaching so much weight to someone else for your own fulfillment. (AKA pining for someone–especially when they are clearly not a healthy match for you)
Figure out who you are. What you like, what you want. Choose to do things that make you feel good for yourself, not for anyone else and least of all for appearances. Think of all the truly good things you enjoyed about that, or any other relationship, and find a way to give yourself those things. Make yourself complete in your own company. So when you meet someone else that is also complete, you can each share in joy together because you don’t need each other to feel complete, but instead you always want and choose each other. A purposeful love is so much better than a relationship of any type of unhealthy codependence, emotional or logistical.
Personal development, self mastery, whatever you want to call the work of learning your own self—is a never ending process. But you can be in healthy relationships without being perfect or “fully evolved.” No one is perfect we will always have issues while we are alive…
You just have to be accountable to your self, as others have to be to be accountable to themselves. And constantly be working on understanding yourself before you can even fathom understanding others. The time it will take is the time it will take. There are no rules for human thought and emotion to abide by to “get better.” But you will know intuitively when that day comes that you feel free of this pain.
I wish you well in this. It’s beautiful to be on the other side of it, especially when you never thought you would survive.
