02 I wonder if I’ll truly be able to do it

People always say that when it comes down to it, regardless of the circumstances, that it’s hard to take a life. I could definitely see that being true in certain situations.

But mainly, I always thought it was propaganda that all types of “moralists” and the movie industry had to say so they could share their stories and films. Proper disclaimers and all that.

To make sure that audiences didn’t think they could (even righteously or for survival) kill another human being without it haunting them.

That it could drive you to madness. That even if you got away with it from “the law,” it would torment you for the rest of your life. If you killed someone, you’d always see their face reminding you of your crime.

I don’t really believe that. I think if I killed someone for good reason, it would be a relief. I think it would feel like some type of justice. Like a great service has been done. It would feel surreal. Maybe I’d be in disbelief. I mean, it has to feel like something. It’s a human life after all. It would be over. They would be gone. With no way to take it back.

And having never done it before, who knows how I would react? Is my mind ready? Will it be ready when the time comes?

I can imagine and fantasize all about it however I want. There’s a distinct satisfaction knowing that I can get away with anything in the world by simply visualizing it.

It’s in my mind, safe. I can commit any atrocity simply by thought, with no consequences…

The mind is so powerful. I want to believe it doesn’t know the real difference between feelings conjured while deep in imagination, versus emotions felt while in the midst of a true, physical act. It might be a mystery even to itself.

All I want to know is, when the time comes, will I be a coward like I’ve always believed I am?

Or, will I, in the most real moment, be able to do what it takes to help this world?