How to Live with Another Person
David Viscott
1974
Book Notes
In the face of these oppressive forces it sometimes seems impossible to find a sense of personal identity in the world that makes us feel strong. Perhaps there is little we can do to change the course of world events, but there is much that each of us can do to improve our private lives that would make us feel better as individuals.
Another way to define ourselves as individuals, besides through a relationship with another person, is to become so involved in the pursuit of our work, art, career that we are able to control completely a little world of our own, a realm over which we have influence, and to let the world outside go mad if it chooses to.
Rather than trying to change the whole world, we need only to create a place in it where we can fulfill ourselves, where we can find a life shaped not by an indifferent world or by chance, but by the depth of our talents and the sincerity of our determination in developing our gifts whatever they may be.
The art of creation is such a moment. The artist shares his most private self with the rest of the world. His sharing is his gift. In the act of artistic creation, in giving form to thoughts and sensory images, the artist retells the history of the life force flowing through all living things.
A person’s individual rights in any relationship are the same rights enjoyed before he even knew the other partner existed. Rights are not to be bargained for. They simply exist. A relationship’s task is to recognize and protect the rights of both parties. It should allow two people with equal rights to live together so that both of them can grow and share a view of the world which is greater than either sees alone.
There is no greater way of expressing love for another person than by allowing him to be whatever he is. When a relationship is really free and accepting, both parties have little to fear, for nothing can compete with a free relationship.
Everyone has many facets and no single person can match all the facets or fill all the needs of another. The best we can hope for is to help fulfill each other where we can, and not lament what is impossible, or stand in the way of the fulfillment we cannot offer.
In order for an agreement to be valid, it must allow for growth. An agreement that allows for growth allows for change in both partners and for change in the relationship and in the agreement itself. An agreement must flow with the relationship. If the relationship is to have life, the agreement must also have life. It should be a living understanding that keeps abreast of the changing feelings and aspirations of both partners.
An agreement should never be alien to the relationship or be imposed upon it, but be derived from it. Whenever an agreement no longer reflects the needs of one person in the relationship, the agreement becomes seriously weakened. If the agreement is not brought up to date, but the old guidelines are insisted upon, the stability of the relationship is threatened; for in order to maintain the relationship, the partner whose needs have changed is either forced to deny his new needs—which may be impossible—or to lie to his partner.
You cannot the affections of another person. You cannot make certain someone else will always love you. The best you can do is to help understand each other’s feelings by permitting all feelings to be expressed; to trust the other person’s intent; and, as graciously as each of you is capable of, to make allowances for the frailties that are part of being human, and that no law, no rule, no set of agreements ever can hope to control.
Encouraging each other to reach this goal of mutual freedom should become the basic act of faith shared by two people living together, and the sharing of it becomes the relationship itself.
An argument ought to be the attempt of two people to resolve the distortions that exist between them and obscure their perception of the truth.
To share life with another person and to accept each other with ever deepening understanding is the highest goal of living with another person.
Why should one reject another because he does not believe in the same way?
Belief, like hunger, is a matter of need.
There is no limit to the invention of nice things you can do for another person.
When your partner makes a move which fulfills him, it can threaten you if you think you are going to be left behind. Sometimes a relationship does break apart when one partner changes. The surest way to destroy a relationship is for one partner to stand in the way of the other partner’s self-fulfillment. If you think about it, that goes against everything a relationship stands for. A partner should be able to rely on the other’s love and support to help him grow into the person he feels destined to be. To stand in the way is the same thing as saying, I don’t want you to be yourself.
Only by accepting each other and by learning to take the responsibility for your own happiness without making demands on your partner to take away your emptiness as a person, can two people working as equals begin the task of finding out what their possibilities together are.
NO relationship can provide everything needed for the complete experience of being yourself. Many important answers must come from ourselves, not from another person. The role of another person in our search for ourselves will at times be little more than that of a friendly, accepting bystander. The greatest burdens in our lives will clearly fall upon our own shoulders, not on our relationship with another person.
We must sort out the two, and learn what we can expect from our relationship with another person, and what we must provide ourselves. Sometimes the problems of life are made more difficult not by seeking what is impossible, but by looking in the wrong places for what we need.
Life is a creative process. Each person must find the source of his own creative energy and allow it to flow throughout his life, leaving his imprint on whatever he does. The essence of individual fulfillment is simply to do your best in a way uniquely your own. No relationship can give the same meaning to a person’s life that his personal creativity can, not should it be expected to.
A relationship should also not be measured by how successful it is in warding off feelings of loneliness. That is not its purpose. To insist otherwise is to condemn an apple because it does not taste like a pear, or reject a flower because it does not keep you warm.
When two partners hold each other at fault for not making themselves complete as individuals, they only deny their own specialness, for no one can make you feel complete but yourself. Rejecting a person because he or she does not make you feel complete or does not resolve feelings of loneliness is self-defeating and results in angry frustration that undermines the relationship, and can destroy the person who feels it.
The purpose of life is to celebrate life, to take the life force and make it visible. The purpose of a relationship is to celebrate life together. A relationship should allow both partners to share the specialness of each other, of each other’s creations, and to love and support the other person through the difficult periods when it is hard to be one’s best self. A relationship should allow both partners full freedom to grow and to become their fullest, most creative selves. To do less, is to live less.
A relationship allows you to celebrate another person’s view of life and to illuminate the parts of your own life you are unable to see by yourself.
Love is the light of life.
