I didn’t have anything to do this last weekend.
So I decided to conjure up some amusement.
I went to some random nighttime event in Glendale. They were holding it at one of the usual rooftop venues over on Harvard and Artsakh. An event that I was definitely NOT invited to. I mean I didn’t know anyone.
You know the type, those people that spend $50k on their 1 year old’s birthday party, or some massive expenditure for their “girl” simply to delay the inevitable WWIII argument when they get home about wHyYy they were cheating on her again. That, or some other shit. But better to throw a whole party and invite the whole community, can’t let people think they’re relationship is “failing.”
It’s always only about appearances with these people. Not that they’re fooling anyone. I mean literally everyone at those parties knows everyone’s lies and hypocrisies, yet to their face they put on these grotesque, fake smiles, while talking shit immediately upon walking away. All they do is judge. And that’s the local culture they pretend to be proud of? Ugh.
The point was, I have to see these types of sloven-personality’d characters around town all the time—and observe, and/or be an object to their shit faces and bitchiness.
And nary a laugh to show for it…
Anyway, I think the party I crashed was some adult person’s birthday, surprisingly. Why they needed like 200 people there is beyond me, but I digress. I knew bitter faces would abound, so I figured I’d go start some fights. Fights amongst themselves. Not like a measly otar like myself had any skin in the game. Having been disrespected by too many of these types already, this outing was just for the lolz…
All I did was observe the crowd when I first arrived, and my targets revealed themselves. I’m not unreasonable. I only went after couples that were obviously putting up façades. And only a TINY fraction of them, because seriously, there were easily 80 other couples there that I could have targeted as well, but yo I don’t have unlimited time.
The gist, very simply speaking: all I did was show up, observe, and whisper in a few women’s ears about their dudes’ “crimes.”
Stuff like:
Going up to couples or couples in groups, because being in groups had THE most embarrassment factor that they couldn’t just easily backtrack or explain themselves out of.
I’d touch their dude’s arm, and flirted like we knew each other (the women did NOT like that; the men liked the attention).
I also moved around a few different tables, started conversations with some of the men and women. Finding out enough information, or just winging it and using such common names and references so they’d THINK I knew who I was talking about. Making it clear I wasn’t there with anyone (since that’s sOoOo shameful to them). And as I pretended NOT to clock their judgment-filled stank faces, I would “off-handedly” say outlandish things like that their “man” and I had been seeing each other, and that he told me that they were in an open relationship, and that they wanted me to join them in the bedroom, and how it was sooooo nice to finally meet his lady. The men enjoyed even the mention of such “deviant” things, while the women pretended to be aghast as if they were clueless virgins.
Is there a face color brighter than beet red?
And because they’re pathetic and wouldn’t just tell me to fuck off like a normal partner would do for their significant other, the men made it worse by continuing to engage in conversation with me. Or saying “that’s enough” and implying I should go, while still trying to have even a moment, a touch, even a knowing look, of privacy with me. Eyes darting everywhere to see if they were being obvious about it. They were.
All the while, the women swearing at me behind gritted teeth, and trying to insult me in Armenian. Putting absolutely all of their energy into trying NOT to start screaming at me so as to not cause a scene and draw the attention of all the other guests (they still did, because vibes don’t lie, but go off).
When it was clear to them that I was too clueless and unable to read the room (pft), the women would violently grab their men’s arms and drag them off, either to a different corner of the party, or leave altogether. I heard a LOT of:
ARI (come on let’s go)
GNUM ENK HENTS FUCKING HIMA (we are leaving right fucking now)
HERIK A (that’s enough)
AMOT A (is shameful)
PORRNIK A (she’s a whore)
And a good chunk of the ensuing ENRAGED conversations.
Oh yeah, did I mention that most of what I incited, I said in Armenian? Figured it would add to the “believability” of my claims if I was “one of them” and not just some random showing up there only speaking English (though, I WAS just some random, but that was my logic).
Once I had a few more of these unfortunate (for them) interactions, I finished lobbing the calm, “oblivious” slander, and made my way out of there as if I was just this innocent party-goer (or party HOer ) that happened to have stepped on some toes of people I toOOootally thought were in on those “secrets” I had “spilled.”
I didn’t really keep track, but I want to say two couples stayed at the party while the women would gather in groups to gossip, and then shoot vitriolic looks at me whenever I happened to catch them watching me (what else is new?). And definitely five couples LEFT entirely because of my incitement.
Would have been so curious to be a fly on the wall when my “victims” arrived at home and continued their fights. Shoot, even the unreasonable screaming once they got in their cars to drive off would have been entertaining AF.
All that (verifiably false) chaos started because of little ol’ me.
I mean, don’t be a problematic culture if you don’t want people playing you like puppets. Their problem is that they’re so predictable. Fucking pathetic. But I guess I can appreciate that they served as my entertainment for the evening. Not that I couldn’t have found other people to troll.
I mean if they’re relationships were solid, they would have just laughed about it and been like, “damn that was such a random experience with that random girl that DEFINITELY shouldn’t have been there.”
But, no. I knew that every “relationship” I trolled that night was 100% phony. That was the point of all the vetting when I first busted on to their scene. No harm, no foul.
Overall, they were all arguing and fighting and only getting worse, so, my mission for the evening had been accomplished.
Oh yeah, and earlier in the evening, I had souvenired someone’s car keys while I was there (of the meanest bitch I dealt with, so it was justified). Was a bit surprised their snobby ass didn’t valet, but whatever. Made the pickpocket too easy.
Unfortunately, they were driving some typical white Mercedes piece of shit, and not a car I would have actually liked to drive, but eh, I figured I’d still take it for a spin.
Didn’t take it far or anything, just to a spot about five miles away after I had some fun racing up the road. I parked it in some school lot, with the keys left inside the center console, and abandoned it. Such a head-scratcher of a “theft.”
Anyway, you have to figure they have GPS on it, so it’s not like they lost it or anything. Though, knowing them, they probably still scammed the insurance company by reporting it stolen even after finding it totally intact and unharmed. Served them up a right good excuse to scam, I did.
And I got to have my little fun.
They probably got more than the car’s worth from insurance anyway. So you’re welcome.
