I need a space for writings, nebulous musings, unsolicited advice, and talk therapy for all the versions of my soul. A way to relive and experience the contrasts, and even come to accept the abstract and sometimes infuriatingly paradoxical nature of life.
A place for expression without the need for strict and limiting labels. Tell stories, amuse myself with what ifs, and share with others the very connection that I seek. Where the speck of consciousness that I am can be in wonder and awe of itself, while simultaneously be at war with itself—yearning to see itself truly for the infinite soul that it is. To come alive, and to connect with others.
For years, I’ve struggled to get to the point of writing for my own sake. I avoided expressing myself even in the privacy of my own solitude for fear of all the emotions and thoughts and agony that I could put myself through.
Another major reason I avoided this lifelong passion was because I was so heavily indoctrinated by this incorporated world. How could I share anything if it wasn’t “branded” correctly?!
I couldn’t think of what I wanted to write or focus on, in the limitless scheme of things, because I was trying to find what the common denominator was in all the things I was interested in. I was trying to make sense of my motivations and passions. I was questioning them even when I loved them, because I was trying to market myself as something “cohesive” that could be “taken to market to the right audience.”
My thoughts were constantly: what kind of person has a random mix of interests AND expects to succeed or “monetize”?! Everything I was attempting to “fall in line” felt so disingenuous. I had to stop thinking of myself as a “brand,” or as what I could do with my life to be a wOrThY and pRodUctiVe earner.
God, that was so cringe. First of all I realized that I hate advertising myself. It’s all too try-hard for my natural personality. I had to start thinking of my life as art. Art that could be experienced and shared, with the main point always being that my interests, my passions, my everything is the priority. What I truly desire is always the point of doing anything.
People don’t have to like it, they don’t have to engage with it, they don’t even have to understand it. I’m doing it for the sake of enjoying as many moments of my life as possible, not for acceptance into a metrics-driven world. Sure, some material success would be cool, but not at the total expense of the joys of my life. All the abundance will come to me with no effort, and all I’m responsible for is indulging everything my soul desires. That could mean many things:
I want to muse, have meaningful and helpful conversations, write letters, solve problems, make up stories, advise, guide, laugh, create, the list is endless…
But just because the list is endless, doesn’t mean that I want to be tied to having to express everything. It’s simply an observation that I don’t ever want to limit myself to possibility because I said I would do something or not do something.
I don’t want to impose rules on myself. I want freedom.
The naturalness of my unique interests brings it all together.
In order to be authentic to myself (and to encourage others to do the same), I have to be the niche I want to see in the world.
