People always think it’s something to be pursued…to be found. And that eventually you’ll be happy.
So much of life is spent on following stupid societal “norms” at the expense of being still, and knowing you already have what you’ve been seeking.
But we’ve always known each other haven’t we?
We always said that the four of us were from the same nuclii, the same nucleus. Four souls, created, and somehow separated into four physical, earth-bound bodies. Loving each other beyond physical life, beyond all dimensions. Spanning all creation. An infinite connection and bond, never to be severed, yet doomed to be separated in this physical world. And we don’t know for how long—how long it will be until we can close our eyes forever, and be together again. It’s this long waiting game. And I’ve never felt a pain so cruel, so deep. A loss so great, I feel mountains fall, worlds explode, forever drowning in an unsalvageable ocean of all life, all pressures, all pains. And nothing I can do about it. Except force my biological body to die at my command.
When you were first gone, I couldn’t believe it. Sometimes I still don’t.
Seeing your little body there, lifeless—the very nurturing hands, and body that birthed me, that birthed us, no longer animated by the life we once knew. And seeing in everything, your presence. Your soul. Some evidence that you were still here with us. Looking everywhere for that great life force behind this tiny existence on earth. I held your hands, touched your body, caressed your face, trying to capture your beautiful face. Your regal profile. The soft outlines of the little home you once breathed in. Never to forget the version of you while I still had to live.
And as I keep living in this darkness, with this loss of direction, loss of desire for this world, I weep for you. I love you. I miss you. Momma. You were my first love. The greatest of my life. Of our lives. Somehow in speaking of us, I speak of all four of us. One unit.
As I live, breathe, and remember you, my lungs ache, my heart aches. From the pressure of every possible tragedy that can be experienced. I try to cry to relieve some of the pressure that’s pent up. In quiet, lonely moments, I weep. But my lungs constrict from all the air I’m losing. Squeezing, until the very end every breath I can muster, every gasp I feel as I try to let tears leave me. And often, I think I can finally die with the faint sound of breath trying to leave me. The tiny squeak of forcing out the last bit of agony I have—suddenly my lungs expand forcefully, allowing me—allowing this body—to breathe oxygen again. And it all begins again. This built up pressure in my chest, lungs expanding, willing this body to live another bout of pain, and every time thinking this pain will finally take me, and finally be free from this constantly renewing suffocation, I breathe again. And find that I’m not free. All the pressure, all the pain, all the trauma in this world could not be as excruciating as this loss. To have loved truly, and then to have lost. I wish for the moment that will reunite us.
I think of all the horrible experiences in this world, and then every bad experience I’ve ever had, and think, how can a boundless love exist in a world of such depravity—so tainted by a society’s asinine past times?
If you’re gone, how did we not all go with you? And in the depths of this agony, when I catch my breath, I think, in this world where our perceived physical bodies live, I would have experienced it all again. Because knowing true, unconditional love was worth it.
And that despite the harshness of this reality, this depth of sorrow, this massive void in physical form…how beautiful it was to be able to love someone so truly. To feel so broken by running out of time here. And in the same extreme—from deepest loss, to be on the other side.
How beautiful that it would even be possible to love like this. To love someone(s) so much, that without them, entire worlds collapse. Destroyed by the loss of the life force that once held them together.
Maybe not everyone feels this in a lifetime. And especially not through their maternal bond, I would imagine. But knowing what we have, for ourselves, I’m grateful that we had you here. That we were somehow created, and chose each other.
And though I don’t know what beliefs I have about what happens after death of this physical form, I feel like in order to survive, I have to believe that we will be together again. To be together eternally. Whether that means the overwhelming peace of being specs of consciousness and energy, bonded eternally in the ethers. Or whether we will just continue to meet each other in perpetual lifetimes. Either born together, or having to seek each other out forever…I don’t know. But I have to believe it. Or all this—this world—is just decades of more misery before we can finally be free.
If this existence was all there was, and this life, the only time I would know you—yes, it would be better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. But if that’s true, then I’ve lost us forever. And if that’s so, then I’d want to end it all now. End myself now. The notion of being reunited keeps me going. That, and not wanting to abandon my siblings to experience this again because of my doing. I don’t know if I could. All this body wants to do is live—to survive. Itself wants to live and create life. But I want to be done here.
When you first were gone, in the midst of shock, denial, all the pain, and the vengeance I wanted to seek out in any and all your oppressors/encroachers from this lifetime, it gave me momentary peace that maybe the three of us could go to the forest. Venturing further in until we found a peaceful spot, far away from anyone and anything. Only surrounded by the nature you loved…I thought how wonderful it would be for the three of us to lie down on our backs next to each other, on some soft patch of grass—comfortable, looking up at the sky, beyond the trees. Smelling the pines around us, the noises of nature all around us, the peace of the isolation. Thinking of you. Feeling you. Those moments to be savoured, before crossing the line to you.
I imagined in those last moments, we would talk, reminisce, and wonder at what was coming next. How would it feel, how would it happen? How joyful our reunion would feel, and how never again would we be separated.
When we were all ready, we would say our goodbyes to this world, to these bodies that you formed so lovingly, and then we would each take a pill. And in the following moments, we would be radiating the love we all have, saying goodbye to our earthly selves, saying I love you one last time in these bodies, with these voices. We would join arms together, preparing for the final moment. Looking up at the skies, how beautiful this creation was, this sky was. Our eyes slowly blurring, and then closed forever. And as soon as we let go, to open our “vision”, our consciousness, and be in that final rest with you. In that fairy castle in your forest in the sky. In the mountains you love. Never to come back to worldly living, because we no longer have to experience the boredom of perfection, and being our own deities, coming to earth just for the experience.
All that would exist would be this overwhelming love. Radiating. A joy so profound, a togetherness so real and infinite, that no other bounds could be created to keep us apart. No longer limited by the human experience, the physical limitations put upon our limitless beings. No longer caged. Free to be forever, without expectations of this tainted world. Only us. In our world, our clan. Peacefully.
