Being/acting/trying to be positive is exhausting. I feel like I’m lying to myself, and it takes so much energy to “put on the face.”
And faking it for something I don’t even want, that’s even worse. Lying to myself, and not enjoying anything.
It’s like my own development is retarded by all the acting and faking to fit into the mainstream.
I want to work on my own things and be left alone. That’s the only way to be efficient with my time and energy. It’s the only way I’ll enjoy.
Going back to feeling and being negative feels like a relief. It’s comfortable, that feeling negatively doesn’t feel phony, because I truly do believe these low feelings. It feels llike fact. Real truth. And at least I’m being honest with myself.
This ocurred to me as I’m also realizing that only when I’m totally resigned from ever “feeling good” without faking it…that’s when the haze lifted. The feeling positively won’t feel like when I’m trying to “fake it til I make it,” and getting totally drained by it.
I’m feeling good now, knowing that it’s that effortless detachment that will always finally shake everything loose for me.
Absolute belief that I’ll actually never get what I want, and not caring anymore. Having given up, and felt at peace with it…now all of a sudden, I feel the clarity and knowingness that I will actually get everything I want. But now that I don’t have an attachment and identity about it…I have no fear of losing anything. Since I never had anything anyway. It’s all an illusion.
Without anything, I have everything.
It’s amazing what actually believing something affects its influence on you. What you expect out of yourself and your life.
If only you could just snap your fingers and feel that resignation and peace.
I guess I could…but I can’t just make myself believe something I don’t believe.
If its ever going to happen, it will be on its own, and all I’ll feel is an almost imperceptible shift to the new me. My new mentality.
Somehow it feels simultaneously like a massive epiphany, but in such a tiny shift. Even though the results of which have been up until now, nothing to speak about.
Now they’re transcending any other phase of my life until now.
Turns out as soon as I write something down, it really does lose its hold on me.
