the note

you remembered.
not just as a casual observation. not out of pure curiosity.
you felt what it was about. the only thing it’s ever been about…

how are we able to do this? have this passion still, after all this time?
how do we – how does our energy – command entire spaces when we occupy them together?
and what does it all mean?
do you seek the same meaning in all of this as i do?
does every glance, every conversation, every dance, every time we linger in touch, or moment – have a purpose?
or are they fleeting experiences that will only ever live in fantasy?
our connection always boiling underneath, but never to have our time again.

here, in my dreams and imagination, i’m free from the consequences of revealing my feelings.
if i tell you, i’m afraid the dreams will stop.
that the hopefulness and wonder i have now, will all suddenly come to an end.
that i would ruin the dynamic we took so long to achieve.
and what if this connection, as we are now, is all it will ever be?

so instead, to avoid asking the question, i admire us from a distance.
being respectful. giving you space. being “mature.”
i live in the sweetness of our memory, and feel the bitterness of everything we’ve lost.
and every time i see you, your smile warms my heart.
our eyes meet, our hands touch, and i can feel what i need to feel:
that everlasting affection. the possibilities of the future.

then there’s the alternative.
terrifying in its own way…
what if you say yes, and we continue our transcendent experience together?
and we’re launched into an overwhelming magnitude of love and unbearable joy.
what if we jump in and gain more than we’ve ever dreamed of?
i wonder if you and i are thinking and feeling the same things, analyzing every emotion – hoping the other one makes the first move.

how easy it would be to act on it if it wasn’t for fear.
fear of how it once hurt when we were too busy focusing on other things.
not meaning to hurt each other, but going through our pains and healing old traumas.
weighed down by egos and our own coping mechanisms and survival tactics.

regardless of it all…
how beautiful to have crossed paths with you in this lifetime, and spent part of the adventure together.
and how sad to think what if that was truly it? what if there’s no more unfinished business?
to avoid destroying that world that we still exist in together, i leave it alone.
we could discuss the past, get closure – but all there is, is this new moment.
the only thing that matters is that i love you.
and that even though you want to stay in your shell too, i wish i could hide in there with you.

when the time is right, you’ll know the one sentence I wrote down that day.
everything here encapsulated in that quick scribble.
an intuition written on a napkin to revisit in the future, when, whether you wanted to or not, you would be making a decision about us.